The Best Soccer Team, Right Now, in New England
The best soccer team in New England is coached by the same dashing man who writes The One Armed Love Machine Blog. He is pictured above. The team is a Middle School Co-Ed Indoor Soccer team and they have not lost all season and they are one match away, the Grand Final, from completing the perfect season. In an attempt to mess with their psyche and hype them into a false sense of predetermined destiny we sat down with the coach and asked him about his season and his team thus far.
Rider Insider: How did your team do last year?
Coach Butler: Last year we did super shitty with a record of 1 and 6.
RI: Who is the star?
CB: My star is a 7th grader who is destined for far greater things. Of our 56 goals scored over the 7 regular season games he scored 30 of them, 10 in our final regular season game.
RI: Do you pay him any money to play for your team?
CB: He gets no money but I may consider bringing him back from high school as a ringer. But that’s 2 years away.
RI: Do any of your players have girlfriends?
CB: As far as I know, none of my players have girlfriends. But I imagine they would if they weren’t so focused on the team. Same goes for my girls with regard to boyfriends.
RI: Have you picked up any chicks thanks to your position as coach?
CB: I’ve picked up your chick thanks to my position as coach… also your mom.
RI: How do you think you’ll fair in the playoffs?
CB: These kids have busy schedules you know. But of the 7 teams we played there is only one team that we didn’t beat by at least four points. The second place team and other favorite to make it to the finals lost to us by only 1 point. They are my biggest concern in the post season. And lets face it… we live in New England, a magical land where stupid shit like Super Bowl XLII can happen. I haven’t cracked open that bottle of trophy polish just yet.
RI: Do your players get good grades?
CB: I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first.
RI: What is the difference in the team this year?
CB: The difference in the team this year is 80% attitude. These are all good kids that get along, don’t complain and can follow directions. This translates into better performance on the field (court) and a happier coach. I only had a few of my players from last year come back and I’m glad they did, because they were the ones that we’re willing to work with me and with the talented 7th graders playing here for the first time.
RI: Do your players like you?
CB: Do my players like me? Who the hell knows, they’re teenagers. I make jokes that I think are hilarious and they look at me like I’m an idiot. When I accidentally swear I get laughs. I think they prefer playing for me than they would anywhere else because I am a very laid back coach. I don’t get mad, I don’t yell and I’m very willing to listen to suggestions. Although when it gets right down to it I’m going to do what I want because I am always right… but like I said, good team means happy coach means healthy atmosphere means more points on the board.
RI: What do they think of your sideburns?
CB: I assume they love my sideburns… everybody loves my sideburns. Wait a minute are you saying you don’t like my sideburns? Well I don’t like your face. Listen I’ve got some coffee cake staring at me just begging to be eaten.
As a note, I left out the team’s name and the players’ names for their own safety and avoidance of subsequent humiliation should they lose. If you ask nicely in the comments below perhaps Coach will let you in on when and where the Final is being held and you can show up early, tailgate, get drunk, and cheer on the kids.
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kyle said:
May 19, 09 at 3:35 pm” I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first.” quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
kyle said:
May 19, 09 at 3:36 pm\ I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first.\ quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
Oprah's Twat said:
May 19, 09 at 4:35 pmis settling in with wine, bread, and cheese.
Not Kyle said:
May 19, 09 at 5:34 pm**!\ I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first.\ quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!!**
Barack H. Obama said:
May 19, 09 at 6:31 pmYour team is change I can believe in.
Luís Filipe Madeira Caeiro Figo said:
May 20, 09 at 5:31 amEu nunca então fui impressionado em minha vida.
Alex Jones said:
May 20, 09 at 9:23 amJoe,
Word of advice from infowars.com. Make sure you filter your kids water because there is fluoride in tap water. Make sure to keep them away from Gatorade and other shit, too.
9/11 Was An Inside Job
Slyvia Plath said:
May 20, 09 at 1:57 pmRoses are Red
Joe Bulter is True
Rider Insider told a lie
Cause the Revs will be #1 in Joo-n
Joe said:
May 20, 09 at 2:22 pmSuck it Plath! I AM THE CHAMPION!
John Updike said:
May 20, 09 at 6:56 pmYou did no work you lazy cunt. The teenagers are champions. In Brookline they won it one time.
P. Kennedy said:
May 20, 09 at 8:18 pmJoe,
If you get caught with that expired license, act all “out of it”, claim you took Ambien before hitting the bar (and the subsequent guard rail), and tell them you are a congressman. Works every time, sometimes followed by a sweet vacation for free.
And as Pop tells me, if you wake up in a car on the bottom of a pond, screw the bitch and swim your ass off!
Rick James said:
May 21, 09 at 7:56 amI’m dead bitch!
Also not Kyle said:
May 21, 09 at 8:42 am” I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first.” quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
Dave Chappelle said:
May 21, 09 at 8:47 amI’m Rick James, BITCH!
Oprah's Twat said:
May 21, 09 at 9:24 amwants ice cream on a day like this…will have to figure out what to get that will sooth the craving!
Detlef Schrempf said:
May 21, 09 at 11:55 amI like to read your blog.
Still not Kyle said:
May 21, 09 at 11:56 am~~~**!\ I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first.\ quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!!**~~~
still not kyle said:
May 21, 09 at 11:58 am\”**/I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first./**”\
quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
wicked not kyle said:
May 21, 09 at 12:48 pmThis is kyle
Still not Kyle said:
May 21, 09 at 12:49 pm\m/**\m/\”**/I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first./**”\\m/**\m/
quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
Alex Jones said:
May 21, 09 at 12:49 pmThis blog needs more Michelle Malkin.
Julie said:
May 21, 09 at 1:10 pmI poop on poodles.
Kyle XY said:
May 21, 09 at 2:02 pm\m/**\m/\”**/I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first./**”\\m/**\m/
quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
Guy de Maupassant said:
May 21, 09 at 2:07 pmThe essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom.
Now who down with the C P T!?
John Updike said:
May 21, 09 at 3:18 pmI’m down with OPP (Oprah’s perspiring poontang)
Kyle Petty said:
May 21, 09 at 5:03 pm\m/**\m/\”**/I don’t care about my players grades. There is no academic requirement to play on my team and I like it that way. Soccer first./**”\\m/**\m/
quote of the year I hope that goes in the year book!
Alex Jones said:
Jun 01, 09 at 11:00 amChris,
You gonna blog again or suck off the NWO?
9/11 Was An Inside Job